According to theory based on cognitive therapy, one’s thinking can play a major role in developing stress and mental health conditions. Many people with depression and anxiety use should statements when describing themselves and their life situations. This type of faulty thinking typically surfaces in phrases that include the words should, ought, or must. These statements are used by the negative thinker as a way to take on a pessimistic view of their life. People with panic disorder often think with should statements when thinking about their symptoms, which can lead to increased anxiety and avoidance behaviors. Read through these examples below and notice if you catch your own negative thinking pattern. Then consider ways to rethink and reframe this common cognitive distortion. Lori has noticed that her fear of flying has become worse over the years. She now becomes anxious days before her flight and experiences the physical symptoms of panic and anxiety when she just thinks about flying. Lori has a lot of negative self-talk around this phobia, which often comes out in the form of should statements. Instead of using positive self-affirmations, Lori tells herself, “I must get over this fear.” When at the airport, she says to herself, “I should be able to do this without any fear” and “I am an adult for goodness sake. I ought to be comfortable on a plane!” Lori’s should statements even continue long after her flight. When back on land, Lori tells herself that she “ought to be more in control of her fears.” She puts herself down, telling herself that she “should have been less nervous.” Lori concludes that she “must get over all of my fear and anxiety without any help or medication.” These thoughts only lead her to experience more stress and disappointment, and put unreasonable pressure and demands on her which can make her feel like a failure because she was so nervous. Lori can examine the evidence and swap her should, oughts, and musts with more realistic thoughts. Lori may instead say to herself: “I do wish I wasn’t so afraid of flying, but I am trying my best and working toward overcoming my fears. This will take time and in the meantime, I accept myself where I am in this process today.” It may be helpful to write your should statements down whenever you find yourself experiencing this cognitive distortion. Examine the evidence for and against the statement, and then write a new statement that is more realistic and positive. Notice how many should statements you use throughout your day and start replacing them today. “We all have cognitive distortions, negative thoughts, or unhelpful thoughts,” says Rachel Goodman, MFT. “There is nothing wrong with you because you have these thoughts—they are automatic thoughts that we have, but the key is to manage them. Our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are all linked, so you don’t want one thought to ruin the course of the day.” Remember that no one is expected to be perfect, including yourself. Begin to be compassionate with yourself, accept your shortcomings, and celebrate your strengths. As you think about your own thought patterns in order to lessen the shoulds, oughts, and musts, beware as well of comments from others (sometimes referred to as toxic people) such as “you need to,” “you should,” “you have to…” that can be defeating your peace of mind as well.
