Some people offer affection through touch, while others say nice things, write sweet notes, or plan quality time with their loved ones. Affectionate touch is important for the well-being of children and adults alike. If you struggle to give affection, it can be challenging to know what to do to become more affectionate. But it’s worth the effort: In as much as a lack of affection leads to sadness and loneliness, more affection makes us happier people who are more resilient to stress.
How to Be More Affectionate
Being more affectionate can improve your relationships, but it can be hard to know where to begin, especially if you come from a family background that didn’t offer much affection. If you want to be more affectionate, here are some methods you can employ to become more affectionate.
Learn Your Love Language
It’s believed that there are five different ways people prefer to give and receive love. These include words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and receiving gifts. You can learn your love language by discerning which you most prefer to do or have done for you. Once you are more clear about that, it can become easier to lean into the ways that you most naturally show affection. You can also ask your loved ones how they prefer to receive love and then aim to show them the type of affection that they desire.
Share Your Feelings
No good comes from struggling alone. In fact, the act of sharing your feelings with others you feel safe with has been proven to reduce stress. Entering this conversation after having learned about your love language is helpful because it shows this is a topic you care about and have looked into, and you can discuss what you’ve learned as well as how you’ll use that knowledge to be more affectionate.
Make a Conscientious Effort to Be More Physical
It might seem counterintuitive because it doesn’t feel natural, but sometimes the only way to move through a difficult task is simply to do it. Chances are that you have the ability to enjoy giving and receiving physical touch. Here are some things you can try:
Link arms with your best friend when you’re taking a walkOffering your child a hugCuddle with your partner(s) when you’re watching a movie
What’s most important when you begin doing these things is to be mindful and notice how these acts make you feel. Hugs relieve stress, but benefits go beyond that—they make our immune systems stronger, too. if you pay attention to how you feel when you hug someone, you’ll likely notice how wonderful it feels. Then, once you realize that, you might do it more often until it feels more natural to you.
Set Time Aside For Your Loved Ones
Every relationship needs time spent together to flourish. Quality time is the act of being present and engaged when you spend time with someone. Quality time does not include sitting next to each other in the same room but you’re both on your phone. If you’re a very busy person who’s short on time, don’t fear that you have to change your schedule entirely to accommodate quality time with a loved one. This is more about intention and quality than quantity. Whatever amount of time you know you can be present for is the right amount to start with.
Practice On People You Feel Most Safe With
When creating positive changes in our lives, we’re best served to start taking new actions with the people we feel the safest with. That’s because you remove a lot of stress and worry about what someone will think of you when you already trust and know that someone loves and accepts you. If you’ve been clear to someone and had the conversation about affection being a challenge for you, and that conversation went well, you should be able to feel safe with them in practicing affection.
Characteristics of Affectionate People
You might not realize all of the ways that becoming more affectionate can improve your life. Let’s look at the differences between people who show affection to others, and people who don’t.
Benefits of Becoming More Affectionate
There are many benefits of expressing and receiving affection. These are some of the most common ones:
It increases oxytocin levels: The bonding chemical oxytocin is notoriously a key factor in a new couple growing close and moving through a honeymoon phase.This chemical, which our bodies release through physical touch and love, makes people feel connected to others. It reduces stress: Cortisol is the key hormone related to our bodies’ stress response, and by helping us to reduce stress, affection lowers our cortisol levels. This is beneficial because people with elevated cortisol levels tend to experience more health issues, such as depression. Affection is great for mental health: People in affectionate relationships experience less mental health issues like anxiety and depression compared to those who are in more antagonistic relationships. If these aren’t issues you contend with regularly, affection will help them remain at bay. It can improve physical health: If a simple hug can help your immune symptom and reduce illness severity,just imagine how much that can aid in your long-term wellness!
Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Affectionate
Because being affectionate is healthy for you and for those you love, there are downsides to not being affectionate. These are common ones:
Increased stress: Affection reduces stress by increasing our happy chemicals, so not giving and receiving affection means that you could end up feeling more stressed than you would if you were more affectionate.Lower immunity: Affection helps our immune system to work better, so not being affectionate means that your immune system may be less strong than that of people who give and receive affection. So, if giving hugs boosts immunity, not giving or receiving them impact your overall physical health.Less satisfaction: If you crave more affection and you don’t receive it, you will likely feel dissatisfied in your personal relationship.
Can You Be Too Affectionate?
It’s possible to get too much of a good thing. You should avoid going too far to the other side and forcing your affection onto other people, as that can be invasive and unwelcome. Additionally, others could feel smothered by your physical touch. Balance is everything!
A Word From Verywell
Embarking on any journey of self-change can be daunting, but you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can help, and if you’re experiencing the desire to be more affectionate in the context of a romantic relationship, speaking to a therapist who specializes in relationships can be particularly helpful for you. Speaking to a mental health professional can help you explore this further. One example of a way to tell someone that their lack of affection is bothering you is to say, “I have been feeling sad because I need more affection than I’m receiving in this relationship. It would make me really happy if you were willing to work on becoming more affectionate.” If this still doesn’t produce the results you’re looking for, it might help to enlist the help of a sex/relationship therapist.
