Note: it is possible to have one but not the other (sex but not emotional intimacy or vice versa), but sexual intimacy typically involves feeling both. Learn how to be more sexually intimate—with your partner (and yourself!) through strategies such as scheduling sex, being more direct in asking for what you want, and taking time for self-pleasure.
How to Be More Sexually Intimate
Many couples get nervous when they’ve lost that sexual spark and intimacy, but it is a relatively common feeling—especially the longer you’ve been in a relationship—and there are plenty of ways to bring that spark back.
Get Into Self-Pleasure
Being sexual and being sexually intimate aren’t just related to foreplay and intercourse. Taking time to learn on your own what you like can help you in partnership, as well. “Be comfortable with your own pleasure, and not just masturbation, but rather learning your own pleasure through exploring things, such as audio erotica or reading erotica,” says sex therapist Candice Cooper-Lovett, Phd, LMFT. “If you don’t know what you’re looking for, start with curiosity and erotica books,” says Cooper-Lovett. “They may also give you ideas on things to do with your partner.”
Schedule Sex
You put other fun things on your calendar, like a date with your partner or a class you want to hit at the gym—why wouldn’t you put sex on there, too? “A lot of people feel like sex always has to be spontaneous, but sometimes you might have to schedule it,” says Cooper-Lovett. It might feel corny, but sometimes it doesn’t happen otherwise. In fact, it may even keep the sex more top-of-mind by having it on your calendar.
Experience Things Together
Because emotional intimacy is a part of sexual intimacy, too,it’s important to foster sexual intimacy through activities that are outside of the bedroom. Especially if you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, doing things outside of your normal everyday activities can be refreshing. Plus, something like seeing your partner master a new skill or wear something different can be sexy.
Have Outercourse
You might have known it as “dry humping” as a teenager, but outercourse (sexual activity that is not penetrative sex) can be a great way to ease yourself back into more sexual intimacy. Additionally, outercourse can be a way to build up some sexual tension by you and your partner getting turned on without going as far as intercourse. The definitions of what comprises outercourse are broad, so use your imagination. This can also be a chance to dip your toe into things you might want to try as a part of intercourse but you want to build trust with your partner.
Put It In Writing
Cooper-Lovett says she loves the idea of something like talking dirty through text messages. “It’s easier if you’re texting to say what you want,” she says. “Often, we can have a hard time expressing what we want out loud and it’s easier in writing.” Research shows that more than 50% of adults engage in sexting and many perceive it as a fun way to initiate contact with their partner.
Characteristics of Sexually Intimate People
Knowing what some of the characteristics are of sexually intimate people can help you see what you may want to incorporate into your life versus some characteristics you may already embody.
Benefits of Being More Sexually Intimate
Building sexual intimacy can bring couples closer emotionally, as well as the following benefits:
Improved mental health: Research done on couples who were sexually active during COVID-19 lockdowns showed that those who were more sexually active showed less anxiety and depression than those who weren’t.More emotional intimacy: Improved sexual intimacy can bring couples closer, but emotional intimacy does not always translate into sexual intimacy.Higher levels of relationship satisfaction: An unsatisfying sex life often increases tension within couples, but a sexually intimate relationship leads to higher levels of overall relationship satisfaction.Better sleep: After a good sweaty sex session, who hasn’t slept a little better? The increased oxytocin that comes from orgasm helps you drift off to sleep more peacefully.
Potential Pitfalls of Being Less Sexually Intimate
You’ve just read about the reasons to be more sexually intimate—here’s some of the potential pitfalls of less sexual intimacy.
Negative feelings about sex: This can lead to an avoidance cycle where if you’re not enjoying sex—why would you want to have it? This only magnifies the problem.Reduced immune system functioning: Yes, a lack of sexmay lead to more colds!Vaginal atrophy: A lack of sexual intercourse or masturbation can result in less blood flow to the vagina, which can lead to atrophic vaginitis,which may include painful sex, urinary tract infections or incontinence.
A Word From Verywell
If you are in a relationship where you feel like you’ve lost that sexually intimate connection with your partner—know that you’re not alone. Nearly 50% of people report feeling this way, particularly after they have been in a relationship for a long time. Talk about your needs and what is and isn’t working for you right now physically and emotionally in your relationship and what you need from your partner/what your partner can do. Trying some of these tips may be helpful—and consider a physical for you and/or your partner if you’re really struggling with being more sexually intimate. One of you might be dealing with depression and/or some type of health issue.
