Irrational and excessive jealousy can eventually destroy a relationship. Learn how to deal with jealousy and insecurities in a relationship so that you can overcome this emotion and strengthen your partnership.
What Is Jealousy?
Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat—real or imagined—to a valued relationship. The jealous partner fears that an outsider is trying to win the affections of their loved one. Along with jealousy, an insecure partner may also feel angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed, which is why jealousy can be dangerous. A little jealousy can be reassuring in a relationship and may even be programmed into us. However, a lot of jealousy is overwhelming and scary, especially because it can lead to dangerous behaviors like stalking, digital dating violence, and physical abuse. There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve without being addressed. Jealousy is not an emotion that can be banished with wishful thinking. It goes right to the core of the self and has deep roots, and it takes awareness and effort to overcome these feelings.
Normal vs. Unhealthy Jealousy
Occasional jealousy is natural, but when it becomes intense or irrational, it can seriously damage a relationship. Being able to distinguish between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy is important to the success of your partnership.
Normal Jealousy
In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds couples not to take each other for granted. Jealousy also can motivate couples to appreciate one another and make a conscious effort to make sure their partner feels valued. Jealousy also heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more passionate. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship. When a healthy relationship experiences jealousy, it comes from a place of protection. One person sees a potential threat to the relationship and expresses concern or jealousy. Together, the couple discusses the issue rationally and comes to an agreement on how to move forward. They are both committed to the relationship and are not insecure about who they are as individuals.
Unhealthy Jealousy
When jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different. Irrational or excessive jealousy is often a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship. Eventually, jealous people feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities that they begin to exert control over their partners. They may resort to financial abuse, verbal bullying, and violence in order to maintain control and alleviate or mask their feelings. Unhealthy jealousy is rooted in fear of abandonment and a worry about not being truly loved. Unhealthy jealousy is characterized by:
Being paranoid about what a partner is doing or feelingDemanding an account of where a partner has beenDisplaying unusual insecurity and fearEngaging in storytelling and making accusations that are not trueExcessively questioning a partner’s behaviors and motivesFollowing or stalking a partner to confirm their whereaboutsInfringing on a partner’s freedom or prohibiting them from seeing friends or familyReading emails and texts or listening to voicemails expecting to discover infidelity or a lieTexting a partner non-stop when the couple is apart
Causes of Jealousy
When faced with a situation that might provoke jealousy, someone who struggles with this emotion may respond with fear, anger, grief, worry, sadness, doubt, pain, self-pity, and humiliation. They also may generally feel suspicious or threatened, or they may struggle with a sense of failure. Jealousy can happen for many reasons, including:
Being insecure or having a poor self-imageFearing abandonment or betrayalFeeling intense possessiveness or a desire for controlHaving a misguided sense of ownership over a partnerHaving unrealistic expectations about relationships in generalMaintaining unrealistic expectations of a partnerReliving a hurtful experience of abandonment in the pastWorrying about losing someone or something important
Consequences of Jealousy in a Relationship
It is not uncommon for couples to misinterpret jealousy for love, especially if that jealousy is generally healthy and infrequent. But abnormal jealousy is anything but loving. Abnormal jealousy wreaks havoc on a relationship as the jealous person becomes more and more fearful, angry, and controlling. Eventually, jealousy can lead to resentment and defensiveness. It also destroys the trust in a relationship and leads to more arguments, especially if the jealous person makes demands and constantly questions the other person. Intense emotional experiences can also result in physical symptoms. Sometimes jealous people struggle with physical reactions like trembling, dizziness, depression, and having trouble sleeping. Their constant anger and need for reassurance also can lead to the end of the relationship, especially if they become abusive and do not deal with their jealousy in healthy ways.
How to Deal With Jealousy in a Relationship
If you’re experiencing jealousy, it is important to address it before it gets out of hand. Both you and your partner can learn how to handle jealousy in a healthy way.
Realize That Some Jealousy Is Normal
There will be people and situations that threaten the security of your relationship. Whether it is a flirtatious co-worker or a job that requires a lot of travel, it is normal to experience a little bit of jealousy. The important thing is that you take time to talk about your concerns and agree on some boundaries that will protect your relationship and your hearts. For instance, you both may agree that limiting contact with a flirtatious co-worker is important for the health of the relationship. Or, you may decide that talking at bedtime while one spouse is on the road will alleviate concerns. The key is that you discuss the issues calmly and come up with solutions together.
Get to the Root of the Jealousy
When one partner is feeling jealous on a consistent basis, it is important to find out why that is happening. For instance, is the jealous partner feeling insecure because you are not spending much time together as a couple? Or, does the relationship have trust issues due to infidelity? Ask questions. Try to understand where the jealousy is coming from and what can be done to lessen it.
Create an Atmosphere of Trust
One of the best ways to guard against jealousy is to create an atmosphere of trust. This process begins with both partners being trustworthy. In other words, they are faithful, committed, and honest. Trustworthy people do not lie about how they are spending their time. They also do not cheat on their spouses. If you both guard against these pitfalls, trust in the relationship will grow and crowd out jealousy.
Develop a Healthy Attachment
A relationship involves showing affection, spending time together, and building an attachment to one another. Any threats to your attachment should be a cause for concern. Jealousy is appropriate when it is a signal that the relationship is at risk.
Recognize When Jealousy Is Abusive
Jealousy in response to a real threat to the relationship is normal. But if one partner is jealous for no reason, this could be a red flag—especially if the jealousy includes extreme anger, unrealistic expectations, and unfounded accusations. What’s more, this type of jealousy is not a one-time thing. It is a pattern of behavior that repeats. Another hallmark of abusive or unhealthy jealousy is an attempt to exert control over another person as well as making outlandish accusations. If you are regularly defending yourself against your partner’s unreasonable or accusatory questions, that is a red flag. You need to get help right away before things spiral out of control.
Coping With Your Own Jealousy
If you are the one experiencing jealousy in your relationships, you may want to think about why. For instance, do you struggle with self-esteem or are you afraid your partner will leave you? Or has your partner been unfaithful in the past and you are worried it will happen again? Either way, your feelings need to be dealt with. The best way to do that is to find a counselor or a therapist who can help you learn to manage your jealousy in healthy ways. Like most other difficult emotional experiences, if treated correctly, jealousy can be a trigger for growth. Addressing jealousy can become the first step in increased self-awareness and greater understanding for both you and your partner. Steps to overcoming jealous feelings often include:
Accepting that jealousy is hurting your relationshipAdmitting that you’re jealousAgreeing not to spy on your spouseDiscussing the roots of your jealous feelingsMaking a decision to change your behaviorRealizing you cannot control someone else, but you can control your reactionSeeking professional help as a couple if necessarySetting fair ground rules that you can both agree to
A Word From Verywell
When jealousy becomes unhealthy, it can destroy relationships and create toxic marriages. For this reason, if you are experiencing overwhelming jealousy that is interfering with the health of the relationship, it is important to find a therapist or counselor to help you understand why the jealousy exists. They can give you tools for coping with jealousy in a healthy way.
