However, in some cases, people actually do hate their mothers, sometimes for good reason. This can be a difficult situation to be in, because mothers are typically characterized as warm, caring, and nurturing. People sometimes feel hatred for their mothers if they fail to meet their expectations of what a mother should be, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, New York City. Below, Romanoff unpacks the complex reasons why you might hate your mom.
Reasons Why You Might Hate Your Mother
Your mother was once solely responsible for your vitality and responded to your every need. Therefore, we hold intense bonds with our mothers. That intensity often impedes our ability to view our mothers as humans, along with the flaws and damage that correspond with that. Relationships with mothers are often complicated. Rarely are mothers ‘all-bad’ figures, and therein lies the problem. Moreover, hate is complicated and is usually reserved for people who we have diversified feelings towards. In other words, it is much easier to accept a flawed person when we have a minimal history with them or don’t have to rely on them. So, if your mother always behaved abusively and treated you horribly, you likely would not hold discord in your view of her. As a result, it might be easier to accept her as she is and sever all contact. If your mother was abusive, if you struggle to accept her shortcomings, or more commonly, if she was inconsistent in her treatment of you or to others, you likely will have an adverse reaction each time she violates your expectations of her. Inconsistent parents change their minds often, don’t make strong decisions, lack structure, and don’t engage with their kids in a predictable way. If your mother was inconsistent in her parenting, you may have trouble believing that she is reliable or predictable. Research also suggests that this style of parenting can contribute to feelings of anxiety. However, underneath your feelings of hate, lies the love the child version of you still has for your mother. Despite mistreatment, children still hold out hope for their caretakers to treat them in the way they believe loving mothers should. And, ultimately, perpetual disappointment usually creates an intense, negative reaction, like hate.
Coping Strategies
Hating your mother can be confusing and emotionally draining since hatred is a more severe form of anger. It’s important to prioritize self-care and make any changes to your lifestyle that are necessary for you to cope. It’s also natural for you to feel angry. Romanoff explains how you can use your anger productively to set boundaries.
Setting Boundaries
Anger is usually a healthy reaction to indicate a boundary has been violated. The key to anger is recognizing it and learning how to use it productively. A productive reaction to anger is to first identify when it is occurring, and then pause to reflect on the source and cause. This process is not as easy as it sounds, as anger often makes for impulsive action. Although it might feel rewarding to satisfy this urge in the moment, it almost always leads to regrettable consequences, such as name-calling, hurtful comments, threats, or physical aggression. This is because anger seeks retaliation—to hurt the other as you have been hurt yourself. If you don’t take the time to pause and understand what your anger is in response to, you will be unable to re-create the violated boundary. Instead, you will be left with the carnage of your impulsive anger-driven response, which usually corresponds with feelings of guilt as you may then feel obligated to apologize to the aggressor. This creates a vicious cycle of reciprocal jabs between each of you without getting either of your needs met in a productive way. Therapy can be a helpful tool to teach you how to use your anger productively and set boundaries that protect your mental health.
Self-Care
Going through a rough patch with your mother can be emotionally challenging. However, practicing self-care by prioritizing your needs and putting them above the needs of others can help you cope. This can take different forms depending on the dynamics of your relationship with your mother. For instance, it could mean asking your mother for some space or telling her you don’t want to spend the holidays together anymore. If you live with your mother, it could involve lifestyle changes, where you move out if you’re old enough to, or seek help if you’re a victim of abuse.
A Word From Verywell
People may sometimes hate their mothers if they have been mistreated by them or repeatedly let down. This hatred is a strong emotion that can be difficult to cope with. While it is often expressed impulsively as anger, it can be helpful to set boundaries instead. It’s also essential to prioritize your own needs and care for your mental health. For more mental health resources, see our National Helpline Database.
