People with narcissistic traits often have difficulty maintaining interpersonal relationships across all areas of life, including at home, at work, and in the community. Their relationships with others can sometimes be emotionally abusive. While it’s common for people to have narcissistic traits, the severity of traits runs on a spectrum. Note that people can be in a narcissistic abuse cycle with someone who doesn’t meet the full criteria for NPD, but may have NPD traits. This article explores the various stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle, the mental health impact of narcissistic abuse, and some coping strategies that may be helpful.
Stages of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle
Listed below are some of the characteristics of the narcissistic abuse cycle, according to Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist and author of “Understanding Bipolar Disorder.”
Idealization Stage
This stage is also known as the appreciation stage and it is typically characterized by love bombing. In a romantic relationship, the narcissist will dazzle you with gifts and compliments. They will make you feel special and appear to be overwhelmingly attracted to you. It will seem like they have fallen in love with you right away and it will feel like it was destined to be. Despite seemingly innocent or even endearing, some controlling tactics may be present early on. For example, they may guilt or shame you for spending time with others outside of the relationship or breaking boundaries you’ve previously communicated. In a friendship, the narcissist will praise you, spend a lot of time with you, and depend on you for all sorts of things. With a narcissistic boss, you’ll get the feeling that you’re their dream employee and that no one else is as good at the job as you are. There will be hints of raises and promotions that don’t actually materialize.
Devaluation Stage
The devaluation stage, also known as the depreciation stage, comes next. It often starts slowly. The narcissist will start dropping subtle hints that you’ve done something wrong, that you’ve forgotten something important, or that you’ve hurt their feelings. You’ll start to feel insecure. Some indicators include:
Passive-aggressiveness Backhanded compliments Excuses for poor behavior Subtle criticism Stonewalling Mind games that seem harmless Name-calling No win-situations Lack of empathy and validation Comparisons to others Ridicule and humiliation
They narcissist will accuse you of things you didn’t do and keep pressuring you until you wonder whether you actually did it. This is known as gaslighting. You’ll start to question your memory and your sanity.
Repetition Stage
The devaluation stage can leave you feeling depressed, anxious, confused, and scared of losing your relationship with the narcissist. You might either try harder to please them or pull away from them to protect yourself. The narcissist will feel hurt and enraged at your attempts to distance yourself from them. Then, the cycle of idealization and devaluation will start all over again. They will suddenly behave extremely nicely toward you, shower you with compliments, and make you feel valued again. However, as soon as you start to feel secure in the relationship, they will start to devalue you once more.
Discard Stage
The discard stage can play out in a few different ways. The narcissist might decide that they’re done with you and that you have no further use for them. The rejection is typically swift and brutal. Often, the narcissist will be angry with you for reasons that don’t really make sense. It is very common for them to continue gaslighting and utilizing other controlling tactics to maintain control over you. Alternatively, you might wake up and decide that this partner, friend, employer, or acquaintance isn’t healthy for you and try to leave the situation. The narcissist might start love bombing you again, and the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard will repeat itself until you finally break free.
Mental Health Impact of Narcissistic Abuse
The narcissist will do things that leave you feeling—and often acting—unstable, then blame you and call you “crazy” for it, says Dr. Daramus. According to Dr. Daramus, if narcissistic abuse goes on for long enough, a victim can end up with mental health conditions such as:
Anxiety Depression Dissociation Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)
A 2019 study notes that narcissistic abuse can even be fatal in some cases. The study concluded that narcissistic abuse can be extremely debilitating, so recovery can be a long and complex journey.
Coping With Narcissistic Abuse
Dr. Daramus shares some steps that can help you prevent and cope with narcissistic abuse:
Give your relationships time: The first step is to remember that real relationships, whether romantic, sexual, friendly, professional, or otherwise, usually start slowly. They develop over time, from mutual interest in each other to a stronger, more genuine connection. Be suspicious of instant love. Be clear about your boundaries: Know your boundaries and how you expect to be treated before you enter a new relationship. Be ready to set limits or walk away if someone develops a pattern of mistreating you. Maintain a record: If you suspect someone might be manipulating you, keep a record of your communication. Write things down. Find every excuse to do things by text or email. This can help if the other person tries to gaslight you and present an alternative version of events. Keep your trusted friends close: The narcissist may try to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones. Try not to let it happen. When you start to wonder what’s real, they can help you figure it out. Maintain your financial independence: Try not to be financially dependent on the narcissist if you can help it. Obviously, that may not be possible if they’re your employer. However, for other types of relationships, such as friendships or romantic relationships, having your own money is helpful when you’re getting ready to leave the relationship.
A Word From Verywell
Narcissistic abuse can be traumatic and emotionally scarring. It’s important to recognize this pattern of behavior and extricate yourself from it as soon as possible, in order to protect your mental health and preserve your sense of self.
